i forgive but i forget

first day

2008-05-10T21:47:25Z

i knew it would come
"you're an asshole
why?"
so i now have this uneasy feeling in my stomach
hopefully not a sign of things to come
it simply won't stand.

in other bougie news,

2008-04-27T19:31:44Z

i didn't break up with the boy.
the noise session went splendid.
my apartment is now finally put together, with stuff on the walls and everything.
no longer looking like a tenement house.

life seems to be falling in to place.
and i'm not waiting for the other shoe to drop.

yeah yeah. it's an update.

2008-04-21T11:02:59Z

good:
-recording noise (w/ trevor and i)
-rocking pro tools HARD
-going to see fuck buttons and caribou
-having my ears and body vibrating from said show
-eating eggs and downing a gianormous bloody mary
-portland strip clubs
-breaking into a spontaneous bar crawl with multiple people
-making tuna fish sandwiches at 3 in the morning
-pissing the afternoons away

bad:
-being behind on independent writing contract
-having to probably break up with a boy (because it's the right thing to do)
-getting up in 6 hours
-oly weather
-oly music scene (just for once, pretend you're actually enjoying yourself, douche bags! uhhhh! i guess you're too cool to be here anyway...)

(format stolen from ariana)

music blog!

2008-04-15T19:46:04Z

so after a spending a weekend surrounded by music critics*, i've decided to take my first quasi-legit step in that direction.

...with a music blog, that is.

hey, every kid with a vintage t-shirt collection and my bloody valentine records has one, waiting for their chance to "make it" in new york.

why not me?

so do yourself a favor, check it out.
it can't be much worse than the majority of music journalism and criticism out there.

http://ringing-ears. blogspot. com/

*EMP's Pop Conference. a rad way to geek out for a weekend. yeah, i know.....

just trying to keep my head above water

2008-03-02T09:01:53Z

i'm stress sick right now.
so far, i'm behind on my class from being sick the past 2-3 weeks,
might lose partial credit this quarter,
need to pack up to move,
need to send in my forms/check for the italy trip (which only has 2 spots left),
need to find a sponsor for my contract,
need to go to seattle tomorrow
and keep my sanity.

hopefully, shit will calm down once i get all my work done.
hopefully, my stomach won't constantly be in a knot.
everything else is going peachy,
except for the fact it feels like i'm in quicksand.

i need some hugs and some kava.
the end.

fuck you, pitchfork

2008-01-30T21:27:51Z

"And, of course, the music itself, a nebulous but forceful concoction of sopping wet harpsichords, detonating percussion, submerged rock, atonal scaffolding, and unhinged electro-pop."

-Brian Howe's review of Xiu Xiu's "Women as Lovers"

"Atonal scaffolding"? "Submerged rock"? I now believe that Brian Howe enjoys writing purple prose for the same reason people enjoy watching internet porn or others put preachy bumper stickers on their own cars: for their own selfish enjoyment and self-indulgent joy. There's a preening present in his words, like a bird showing of its colorful feathers. Mr. Howe does not want to impart any knowledge and certainly doesn't want to give you any concrete impression of this album, sonically or otherwise, because he knows what "sopping wet harpsichords" sound like and screw you if you don't.

True, writing about music, explaining it, expressing it, is a foolish task. Music relies on no set form, rules or description. Trying to describe music is like trying to hear what honey tastes like. But writing like a pompous, pretentious shit certainly isn't the way to go.

never

2008-01-13T21:46:12Z

tattoo temporal identifiers on your body
e.g. anarchist, straight-edge, liberal, etc.
it's the equivalent of tattooing "blonde" on your body
no matter what you think now,
you will change.
you are not the same person today that you will be tommorow, the next week, or the next year.
my theory on tattooes is that they should document a period of time in your life.
that way, when you look at your wrist or arm or ankle, it's like looking back in time, at a memory,
instead of a regret.

and in my defense, i'll always be from florida

a new type

2007-12-26T07:17:10Z

if there is one thing i love about my time is key west,
it's the lack of wanting
...another, that is.
my day-to-day life is completely void of thinking of this guy or that guy,
that boy that volunteers at the bike shops that has me enamored with his refusal to pay for groceries or more than $100 for rent, or
this boy with a new fixed surly and colorado sensibility.
this newfound mental freedom doesn't leave a hole.
it doesn't leave anything at all.
i don't notice my lack of mental strain until the 5 day mark.
it's like it was never there at all.
as if my mind is saying,
"of course, i've always been so self-reliant.
why wouldn't it be any other way?"

but instead, other worries seep in.
my mother seeing that boy creep out of the house the other morning.
those keg shells i commandeered through less than savory methods, whose funds will be donated towards political prisoners.
the simplicity of life now leaves room for other circular thoughts.

am i happier?
probably not.
the fear of being arrested for keg theft has no satisfactory ending.
hassling from the cop or money for activists.
with guys,
the end to my means are far more intriguing.
a fling or being slighted, yet again?
the payoff worth the mental drain, the risk worth the reward, the heartache worth the limbo.

so, let me revel in this new type of mental freedom for another week.
then it's back to melodrama and bright eyes....

we should've just stayed in bed

2007-12-10T05:12:55Z

it snowed,
i stayed in bed.
it came down, soft and slow,
drifting on the horizon,
i stayed in bed.
people walked in and out,
bikes rolled by,
we stayed in bed.
a note passed under the door,
after furiously, complative scribbling,
we stayed in bed.
a conversation through the sheet of a wall,
we stayed in bed.
the eminant future loomed over my head:
the awkward minutes finding clothes,
silently shoving feet, hands, arms, legs into fabric.
an uncomfortable meal,
an unceremonious breaking of bread.
i talk of drinking too much to hide my discomfort.
i waited for you to make the first move.
i left once i realized waiting was futile.
we should've just stayed in bed.

tonight

2007-12-01T14:11:11Z

included:
derrick jensen
snuff
whiskey
family guy
an orange ANIMAL sweatshirt
beer
a leather jacket
roommate bonding over rap music
chain smoking
snuggling
and feeling fully unattached once again

it was glorious

beer before liquor, never sicker

2007-11-20T19:53:49Z

nothing better than laying in bed with a guy and then getting up to puke.
fun and sexy at the same time.
that's so punk rock.

anywho, with last night's indiscretions behind me, i can move on.
i'm heading to portland in the next couple of hours.
tofurky day with my roomie's family.
i wanna hit up some ethiopian food while i'm there.

overall, though, yesterday was pretty sweet.
went to dumpster values and got some sweet shirts and a sweater.
i've been dressing like peter brady lately.
it's been pretty fucking sweet.
i also went to rainy day records.
got the new iron and wine on vinyl, old time relijin, the album leaf and the blow.
the blow's "poor aim: love songs" is pretty fucking sweet.
i recommend it.

anywho, i've been started to wonder how many more hangovers i can have.
i always seem to overdue it.
and when i don't, i'm surprised and uber-proud.
i'm getting to old for this shit.
anywho, i'm off to pack....

xoxo

the floodgates

2007-11-10T11:26:33Z

it's welling up.
the stress, the emotions, the revolution, the nausea.
it's adding up.
i can't eat yet i'm still hungry.
feeling the empty places with smokey air.
limp arms, slack eyes.
i've fucked up all my future expectations.
so let's make new plans.
stop taking loose stands.
but it's piling up.
the clothes, the papers, the emotions.
the distance is growing
and, before long,
the wall will be completely solid.

well, damn the floodgates!
tear them down.
there's nothing left to hold them up.
the past two months were proping them up.
i've been waiting for the crest to break,
climbing up hill,
waiting to reach the peak.
waiting to release a sigh.
more uphill, more resistances.
it's going to break soon.
i just hope i'm not around when it does...

test tube dating

2007-10-08T21:42:12Z

would it be crass to ask you to date me as a social experiment?
just to see if i'm capable.
just to understand the ground rules a little better.
of course, holding hands, movie dates and sex would be part of it.
everything a normal relationship has except with a bit of detached objectivism.
i'll then write a brillant paper that will be published in many scientific journals, only to be forgot by next year.
i'll be famous and then infamous,
praised in the academic community, scorned in the social one.
'how could she be so cold and calculating about something like relationships and love?'
'how can you use another as a guniea pig for an experiment?'
the new age kids will hate it, with their ponchos, bongos and 'free love',
but the hipsters will love it.
the ultimate jaded detachment.
they could only hope to succeed at it so well....

telephonelwires @ 2007-10-06T19:12:00

2007-10-07T02:14:50Z

someone like me
and thinks i'm assertive
i'm already talking my way out of it
in my head
so much foresight would be useful
at other times
'maybe something better will come along'
but it hasn't yet
it's only been 3 days
and i'm already nervous

telephonelwires @ 2007-10-04T04:41:00

2007-10-04T11:45:58Z

i feel so confused
should i, should i not?
not what i expected,
but are expectations holding me back?
they are only there to let us down.

i felt a little nauseous when i got home.
the 'what the fuck did i do' got to me.
not a horrible thing, but a thing with multiple repercussions.
did my impulses write a check that my ass has to cash?
yeah, liz was right. sometimes my doors should lock from the inside.

i'm content to spend the weekend at home.
movies, maybe some weeds, people.
i need to think, read, reflect.
the next week will tell how this thing will pan out.
only time will tell....

update

2007-09-24T19:11:25Z

well, i've been staying relatively busy, even though classes haven't started yet.
i'm wondering if they ever will...

put my bike together yesterday. needs a new brake cable. (note to self: don't use front brake) i'm volunteering at the bike shop, so i'll stop by there today and do work, son.
went to the SDS meeting on wednesday. thoroughly have my counterculture stoke on now. it's nice to have it back.
have to talk to a professor today about getting into an audio recording class. would love to be proficent in the analog aspects of recording.
that's the nuts and bolts of everything.

i've met a ton of people so far, but they all seem so young. nice, relatively accepting kids, but not nearly pretentious enough. they talk about magic: the gathering and dnd without irony for fuck's sake.
make out with a few guys so far. hope i run into one of them, hope the other one falls off a bridge onto sharp objects.

that's kind of the update, so far. tommorow classes start. finally....

ps. mount eerie is playing hear next week. fuck yeah...

late

2007-09-21T11:06:58Z

it's all been going so well.
i just hope i don't fall.
whenever my life is going too swimmingly,
i seem to hold my breath.
one false step and the air will get knocked out of my body.
and then it's like climbing out of a deep hole.
i try not to revert back to this thinking,
but you know what they say about something looking too good...

i watched a good documentary 'thin' about eating disorders.
i just shouldn't have started it at 2 am.
i won't be able to go to sleep for a little bit now.
quite disturbing.
(but even after watching that,
i still think i look damn good....
hehe. here's too a bloated self-ego)

sigur ros will hopefully lull me into a peaceful sleep...

school

2007-09-16T08:23:24Z

is just what i need.
despite my past horrible experience of living on campus freshman year, which lead me into a spiral of depression, evergreen couldn't be further from that.
maybe it's my experience and age, but people at school seem less threatening, even kind.
i've had a weird struggle with social anxiety throughout the years, despite what most people know of me.
freshman year, others seems to hold to key to my self-worth.
now, they just seem like drunk kids, emphasis on kids (though it should be on drunk, especially tonight).
harmless and still somewhat innocent.
it was a long road that took me from a 17 year-old freshman to this present date.
drug addiction, depression, independence, a changing concept of what constitutes a friend, travels, music (which ultimately helped me turn my life around. ask me sometime. it's like a fucking episode of 'behind the music'), etc.
i'll try not to make this too sappy, but i can only take an brief inventory of my life at this point because this is really a turning point in my life.
a couple thousands miles away from home, knowing few people, doing what i always wanted to do, living where i always wanted to live.

okay, i'm not perfect, wise, or even mature, most of the time.
i laugh at stupid shit, drink til 4 am when i have to be up at 8, smoke too many cigarettes and make horrible decisions with boys.
i'm know i'm only 20, but we've come a long way, baby...

sum-sum-summertime

2007-08-06T23:02:03Z

been cooking almost every night.
it's been really enjoyable.
almost my pants aren't fitting quite as well....

i kinda overdid it yesterday.
brunch at 1 and i just kept doing it...
drinking, drinking, sick...

i've gone to parties every night for the past week.
carl and i set the dance party off every time.
yea.

at the house (aka the mondrian):
art projects
beer pole
matching tattooes

good summer.
a little for productivity would be nice,
but still, it's good...

paint fumes

2007-07-31T08:07:02Z

today was rather productive.
i woke up around 2 and make tofu scramble.
the landlord had to show my apartment for about an hour, so carl and i went to kudu and then to the grocery store.
then a trip to artist and craftman for fabric paint, brushes and neon prink spray paint.
i made a diamond stencil and a diagonal design stencil.
put a couple diamonds on my hoodie.
made a rad shirt with the diamond and diagonal design.
then sewed up my matt and kim shirt.
a few people came over to the house.
we (aka i) made vegan lettuce wraps.
rad.

tommorow i'm biking the bridge and seeing hairspray with nikki.
woop.

a weird chemical reaction

2007-07-04T21:45:12Z

maybe it's the endorphins released by being doubled over in antibiotic pain,
but i feel like i like everyone right now...
i know it's fleeting and i'll soon go back to nitpicking people apart,
but it feels nice.

wyoming is not as bad as i made it out to be, at first.
i just took me a while to adjust to what the past month has been.
drinking whiskey, chain-smoking, shows, friends, etc.
couple that change with having to slow down because i've been sick and it can make you resent pretty much anything, including spending a week and a half in the middle of nowhere with your family when your friends keep heckling you to come back to town for more than 3 days at a time.
one giant run-on of a situation.

but i'm really looking forward to the next two months.
i just want to see everyone and do a lot of fun shit before i leave.
i guess it was kinda nice getting sick out here because at least i was forced to have some downtime.
i don't know how some people do it, keep on going out and partying endlessly.
my weak-ass vegan body just can't take it.
but then again, i've never really been one for moderation or pacing myself.

i guess what i'm saying is that,
overall, life is good.
i just wish it would hurry up sometimes...

eh

2007-07-03T17:50:09Z

the past five days i've only been thinking of my bike.
my new bike. my bianchi.
i'm up with my family in wyoming, seeing yellowstone, about to go whitewater rafting.
it's okay.
but i'd rather be at home, baking vegan goodies, making clothes, riding my bike.
or in st. augustine, seeing a show, drinking whiskey or bro-ing down.
i've got nothing up here, but a cold.
yes, i'm bored as fuck...

ps. i'm getting a pet rat when i get back to charleston...

vegan with a fucking vengence

2007-06-30T20:26:53Z

sometimes i wonder why being vegan has to be so hard.
trying to get food last night was painful; i still believe that there was bacon in it...
i'm tired of people personally attack my convictions and choices.
yes, i "can" eat meat and dairy. i just "won't".
don't attack my word choice.
i just can't imagine not being vegan. yes, i somtimes get drunk and slip up. eating some cheese. when wasted, a few times, bacon. but, believe me, i pay for it the next day.
why is it natural to eat another animal's breast milk? we find animal cruelty so inhumane but we slaughter cattle, chicken, pigs, etc. for food. we are not a third world country. we can afford to find other food choices that do not involve animal products.

no, i did not become vegan for moral issues. but the more that people keep on attack my choice, the more staunch i become with my position.
there, i'm done.

just leave after the show

2007-06-03T09:29:59Z

trying not to internalize things
the guys that i sleep with do not make up my self-worth
but rejection hurts...
blatant rejection even more.
why can't i just go home?
i need a dog, a cat, a fish...
something to look forward to after a long night.
alcohol creates a hole.
that tries to be filled with one-night stands.
fuck that.
fuck this town.
you kids are messed up.
good night.

this is so strange

2007-05-03T19:11:32Z

so i've been having panic attacks for the past month.
at first i was just having one on the weekend, usually when i was alone.
then i started having them twice a week, sometimes in public.
i put it off and finally i knew i had to go to the doctor.

they did blood work. but nothing's abnormal.
they called me and asked me what pharmacy i use.
they asked what i used to be on. "Effexor"
they asked if i want to be on that again. "NO"

i'm crossing my fingers that they go away.
i haven't had one since monday.
i'm praying they give me xanax.
and i have another one, i'm going back to the doctor.
xanax is fun, but you can't just mask panic attacks with a random drug of choice.

i'm surprised they didn't ask me what i wanted.
i shoulda just said i used to be on xanax.
or valium.
or fucking horse tranquilizers.
the urge to medicate without knowing much background information boggles my fucking mind.
here we are, making little junkies again.

our society is fucked.